Our New Security System

Last week we had a brand new security system installed. New locks with big metal bars and digital keypads on them, which make beeps and whirls when you hit a succession of numbers.

This morning when the teachers arrived at the school, there was a duck in my neighboring classroom. Other than the mess he had made by streaking his feces onto the floor in what must have been a Pollock inspired extravaganza, he had done little damage, and was instead sitting peacefully under a desk. In fact, he looked a lot like this duck:



Except, he was under a desk, so he looked like this:



As you can see he was very large.

Big duck or small duck, this does not bode well for the security system if some duck can wander into the school as if it were a port-o-potty at a highway rest stop. Although you might be thinking that he used his wings, all the windows were locked, so think again. In fact, think really hard. It might turn into one of those riddles like the one with the noose and the puddle of water, except no one's committing suicide, it's just a duck and a poorly secured building. Maybe you'll figure it out, maybe you won't, but at least you'll waste ten minutes of your life thinking about a duck sitting under a desk.

Unhandy Man

Here at the school, like most, we have an ajushi (older korean man) that is supposed to do all the handy work around the school. Ours, if he is not busy wandering around aimlessly, is wasting time and resources on some worthless project. When asked to install smoke detectors in the apartments, he placed them all right above the front burners on the stove. When asked to replace unfunctional lights, he is unreachable. When asked again to replace unfunctional lights, he is unreachable. When asked to hook up necessary items like washing machines, he's wandering around aimlessly...but somewhere else. He is an enigma of sorts.

Well, not really.

He has managed to fit some animal cruelty into his schedule. Recently, he bought a puppy, and has tied it up to a pile of trash. In his spare time, he comes out to beat it with a large stick. This is also the dog we have been dognapping, of course, for its own safety.

Luckily, since his maltreatment of the dog, he has found a new hobby: Spending a significant portion of the school budget (not big to begin with) on a DDT gun. Remember the 1950's commercials with picnics in beautiful clouds of DDT? Little Jimmy giving the thumbs up to the camera? Well, yeah, that's what it's like here now with Mr. Myung and his DDT gun. Except for little Jimmy, he died of cancer long ago. Here is a picture of the gun:



I imagine this is his final goal with the gun [see below]. Of course, Mike is playing the role of the six week old puppy.



I think the man's largest problem is that he doesn't understand the consequences of his actions. Such as beating the little puppy with a large stick. Nor, as a mechanical man, understand basic laws of diffusion. For some reason, he thought the best way to eliminate mosquitos in our staircase, which is constantly open to the outside, would be to pump the 5-level staircase full of toxic gases with his enormous gun. Of course, if you're thinking what i was thinking-- aka that mosquitos can FLY AWAY--this was a stupid idea. Not only did he nearly take out anyone (i.e. me) who for a moment attempted to use the staircase during the Great Gas-out of 2008, but he neglected to check whether anyones doors or windows were open before attempting this pointless and destructive non-solution. Instead of inconveniencing the mosquitos, another teacher's apartment--the harmless lady Stephanie--was pumped full of DDT. Just like the good old days. Then, as magically as he appeared, like some sort of retarded fairy, the old man vanished with his large gun shining into the night. A few hours later the mosquitos flew back into the staircase unphased.

Oh yeah, i forgot about his second largest problem: he's an asshole.

Last Weekend in Wolchusan

Seems like everytime I've gone hiking (twice) it's misty around these parts. Here are some pictures from a park an hour away from the city. Maggie took me down and back safely for a nice day hike.

A Gay Couple Gets Rained Out in Jeju-do

So, a couple weekends ago, Mike and I took a trip to the "Hawai'i of Korea"--or so it's called--on our Chuseok vacation. Chuseok, a traditional Korean holiday akin to Thanksgiving, features the giving of large, overpriced gift packages to your friends. I got $100 and an enormous box of pear-apples from my students parents. What I really wanted, as is the local custom, is a $40 package of Spam. Yes, Koreans love Spam, so much so they think it appropriate for a holiday gift. See picture below:



Oh yes, back to Jeju-do. Jeju-do is a beautiful, volcanic island, with tons of beaches and, at the risk of being repetitive, an gigantic volcano at the center. It is the highest point in Korea. To get to this majestic isle, you must fly or swim. We chose to fly, however, by fault of our own we arrived at the airport 5 minutes before the flight left. Somehow they managed to check us in, print our tickets, rush us through security and out onto the runway in 4 minutes. It was the most exhilarating 5 minutes of my life, and probably the closest I'll ever come to the 'Mile High Club'.



Here's us flying out of Gwangju with some clouds in the valleys

When we got there, they gave us some candies as we exited the plane. I enjoyed those candies. We got off the plane and rented some motorbikes. I got the orange vixen motorcycle, Natasha, and Mike got the white bread scooter, George. Somewhere after this point, I mean the dropping of the loot, it began a 4 day monsoon of biblical proportions. Like Noah's ark without the animals. 3 days later we bought panchos.

Astoundingly, we were able to accomplish a few things. Like hike up to the volcano, go to 'sunset peak', get drunk a few nights with random strangers, and go on some man-dates to coffee shops. Yeah, I blame it on the rain, but it was mostly coffee shops. At one point, in the middle of doing a crappy puzzle of little kittens, an over-joyous korean barista approached us and gave us a pink smoothie with two criss-crossing straws. Yeah, that's right.

Here's one of the cafés:



Mike is blurry and confused.

My Black Lady Magdaelim

"So from an angry lawman's mouth, the Outlaw Motorcyclists were born."
-Chuck Zito, Former Leader of the Hell's Angels

Pretty much from when I was about eight years old, I always looked up to the rebels known as the Hell's Angels. Zito was more than a man, he was a mantra. When I used to fight in grade school, it comforted me to find out Zito was no stranger to fistacuffs himself. He taught me to never back down:

"I've been fighting my whole life" -Zito
"If the challenge to fight was there, I always took it." Zito

Also, just like myself, toiling every summer away in the dry fields of 'Tana, many of them lived hard too:

"Let me tell you something: I have members in my charter who, after paying their rent and house bills and taking care of their families, don't even have enough money to pay the fifteen dollars a week dues." -Zito

So, as I grew, I modeled my own mentality after the honorable hedonists. When questioned about my own business by my high school teachers, i offered them a quote from the fountain of truth himself:

"Now as far as organizations selling drugs, no. Individuals selling drugs is something else." -Zito

By the time I graduated, almost every piece of the American Moses' life had become my own. Even my lesser known past histories coincided with the life of Zito the Great:

"I was a stuntman for over fifteen years." -Zito

Thus, coming to Korea, I knew I could not leave my past behind. I've been riding Ms. Magdaelim--Maggie for short--for about a month now, and she's the smoothest bike I've ever owned.

Here are a couple shots of Maggie in all her glory.

We Got a New Puppy.

Well, although the puppy isn't actually ours, we've been dognapping it every night, so it feels like she's actually ours. Don't worry, this "bollowing" of the Korean puppy is actually very ethical.

For some reason, most of the Gwangju residents in town don't care for their dogs very well. While it is still horrible--but more understandable-- that there are a few older dogs that are rarely fed tied up around our apartments, what happened to this young puppy has bewildered all of us here. Only 4 weeks old, the owner decides to leave it alone everynight to be devoured by mosquitos in a cardboard box. Why even buy a puppy if you're not going to enjoy it when it's young and cute? This is very troublesome question for me, as well as for the puppy, who's future doesn't bode well if this is its current state.

On the positive side though, free puppy!

Here is 'Friend 3' as we have named her. She is very cute and is already house-trained.

Wando

Last weekend a group of a few of us went to this island named Wando, where we spent most of the day at the beach, listening to Korean men and women scream at waves about 2 feet tall.

At night, things got a little wierd. After rejuenating at the jimjibang--a glorified korean sauna--we were drawn to a large performance in an amphitheatre, with pyrotechnics and young korean musicians. While I was trying to communicate in my limited Korean to some stranger, a fellow teacher got swept up in a conversation with the man running the show, who was inexplicably excited to bring us back stage. "Follow me, follow me," he kept saying to us. I had no idea why, but with a confused look on my face, I acquiesced. Soon, he was questioning us, "what music you like? music? you like?" Stunned, and a little dumbfounded, both Mike and I blanked on music, until we stumbled on the Beatles' Taxman. After that, we were pretty excited, thinking the young Koreans were going to do a rendition of Taxman for us right there on the spot. The Korean MC mumbled some things "blah ji ta, kamsahhamni da, TAXMAN...." to the 300+ Koreans seated around the stage. Yet, after he had finished his incomprehensible (to us) introduction, the other excited, smiling man approached us from the stage, and motioned us up. "you come! you play!". "Wait, WE play taxman?" I looked at MIke. I don't know how to play Taxman.
Me:"No, I can't play taxman.",
Him: "Ohhhh...you go on stage!".
Me: "What do I say?"
Him: "You go on stage!"
Forcedly, we got up on stage, and were given 2 mikes, which we used to our greatest extent for about 3 minutes. We used our limited korean to say we were teachers in Gwangju, and, that we loved Wando. Once we got a loud clap for the last comment, we quickly got off the stage.

The rest of the night jsut got wierder, set off in part by the chain reaction of our festival appearance. Some 16 year old showed us the best restaurant in town, where there happened to be a famous Korean comedian and his entourage, one of which included his brother a korean mob boss. after a lot of drinking, a bottle of expensive 17 year old whisky, and a stellar performance of Radiohead's Creep at the noraebang (korean kareoke), i received an unexpected surprise from the comedian. Rejoicing from our unbelievable cover of Creep, i went in for the hug, and saw he was going for the kiss. i moved for the kiss on the cheek, but instead was greeted with an open-mouthed kiss. needless to say, his lips were entirely surrounding my lips for that moment. oddly enough, i was drunk enough where it wasn't even awkward. i guess it was more of a "huh. wasn't expecting that", followed probably by something about soju.

The last picture shows the comedian dancing. I'm not sure if this is before or after he decided to kiss me.